Screen – A Haiku Poem (Writing 201 day 1)

I’ve just started the wordpress blogging university ‘writing201’ course. The first poem is based on the word prompt ‘screen’, the form ‘haiku’ and the device ‘alliteration’.

Here is my 1st every poetry attempt:

just a small, slight screen
the data it can display
I can’t comprehend

bright electric light
but is it real or fake?
an imitation

staring at your screen
from early until late-night
who is the user?

jonestown coffee laptop guy
jonestown coffee laptop guy

Some background notes:
I joined the course by accident last night, so this is all very exciting. The exercise included a suggested form. This time the ‘haiku‘ form; three lines containing 5, 7 and 5 syllables. I tried to write three haiku, just for practice. I can see the challenge in writing a poem in just one haiku; saying something meaningful and concise.

The device the exercise suggested was alliteration; using the same consonent multiple times in proximity, the aural imprint this leaves is called consonance.

In terms of my effort, I think I managed to get the 5,7,5 syllables, unless my counting is off. I don’t think I quite got the meaning I intended as clearly as possible. And while I did try to include some alliteration ‘small, slight, screen / data, display / can’t comprehend’, it’s not that strong.

My intention for the poem was in the first haiku to contrast the small size of the screen with the depth of information available. The second was to introduce the idea that screens and online life are distracting us from real life. The third being my progression of this to question do we use computers / screens or do they use us?

The picture is from a photoshoot I did for a local coffee shop earlier this year.

I really appreciate any comments on the structure, possible alternate vocabulary, and ways to make my meaning clearer or more interesting.

12 Comments

    1. hey pleasant street, thank you so much, i feel really great that someone talented could appreciate it, and especially the meaning of the 3rd one.

      :) :) :)

      Like

  1. I think you did a great job for your first poems!

    On the first one, though, maybe a descriptor instead of ‘the’ would better express your meaning. ‘Vast data’ would tell me you’re marveling at the amount of data, not simply the presence of it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey April, omg – believe it or not I had ‘vast’ on my notepad, but wasn’t sure if it was too much!

      I’m really glad to see that my first attempt hit the mark, I’m motivated to continue :) :)

      I really can see how critical word choice is in haiku, I wish I had studied vocabulary more haha.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi writersdream – thank you so much :)

      The process was really interesting. I think I stumbled on the haiku lending itself to surprises when trying to reduce the story in my head to fit the format. Wow – I am wondering what other things would work well in this form.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s