Friends or Not

london-1854

is it only me that
friends leave like seasonal leaves,
falling out of reach.


At university I loved the TV show ‘Friends’. At the time I had three close friends; Ruxi, Clive and Serene. We used to watch the box sets as a relief from studies and exams.

In those days I felt my friends were like ‘Friends’ friends. Afterwards I realised that such a close group of friends is rare. I also realised quite quickly that normal people don’t have such beautiful apartments. Life’s real story arcs don’t always end in smiles and laughs.

I left uni a year before Ruxi and Clive. I started work in a stressful graduate job. It changed me. When I went back to my uni town for visits I couldn’t connect well with my ‘still studying’ friends.

They would never know this, but one of the ways I got through the hard days and nights of my first job was by keeping pictures of my uni friends on my desk wall.

It was a shock when they suddenly stopped talking or replying to me. Some years later I discovered Clive and Serene got married; they hadn’t even told me. I still to this day feel hurt about this. I feel like a group of people that I felt at home with rejected me.

One of the biggest challenges in life is to retain trust in people. It’s required for close relationships and is especially hard to keep if people have bullied you or cut you out of their life.

And emotional damage through life is cumulative.

Let’s be honest. I am not the best friend. I get caught up in my own world. And when I lose common ground with people I tend to just stop contacting them (so I do the same thing).

Something I have read in pyschology is that we repeat patterns in life. Somehow I seem to drift in and out of friendships. Easily making new friends, but then losing them.

I’ve never had a best friend – is it a common thing or just a myth from media and stories? I don’t feel like it is something I miss. The only problem I may have is that I don’t think I have ever been 100% honest about all my thoughts and feelings with anyone.

I would never ‘lie’ to someone in a relationship, but I also wouldn’t be 100% honest either. It’s important to filter the thoughts of the human mind.

As biological beings our perfection is in our unique imperfect nature. A big part of this is that our thoughts are not always automatically right, good or kind. Sometimes we will be annoyed by anothers values, behaviours or actions. I accept this about myself. But I try to consciously use my power of thought to follow buddhist behaviours such as right action, right thought and right speech.

The other strange thing about me is I don’t have really any close male friends and I haven’t had for a long time. My only male friends are some old school friends I see very occasionaly from a long time ago.

Recently I have had some close friends that have gone through life changes and I no longer hear from them on a day to day basis. It’s not right or wrong, but I find myself in one of the periods of little or no contact with people.

It has been a strange year for me. One anecdote – I met a foreign girl studying in London. After she went home she asked me to marry her on a chat app and to move abroad to live with her. I considered moving to spend more time to get to know her better, but when I couldn’t due to financial / work constraints she went straight to not talking to me at all.

I think with friends and relationships we sometimes get caught up in our own interpretation of events and in taking everything personally. I suspect that in reality many of us go through similar things. Some better, some worse.

Or is it just me?

(the picture is from regent park in london last weekend.)

Feelings of love lost

Last night I had a dream about a girl I loved. Let’s call her L.

I don’t remember the details of the dream, only that I saw her; and we were together, at least for a short spell.

london-0507

When I woke up I could feel the emotions in my chest and stomach. The strongest feelings go much further than the brain.

When I think of her, I feel happiness, joy and love.

But I also feel pain and anxiety when I realise I don’t know her anymore.

tokyo-2647

I don’t know how, but I can feel all of those things at once. My heart feels joyful, but painful at the same time.

I never really connected to romantic stories or poems. They never seemed real. But now I understand something of what the authors may have been feeling.

The shape of her mouth. Her delicate chin. Her eyes staring at me. The time she cried when I wrote her a love letter. The different times we were together.

When I remember any of those moments I feel pressure in my throat and my eyes start to water.

london-6061

When we met to break up she already had picked out a specific park bench to sit on. Even the last moments are sweet.

Even though there it is pain and sadness I am so grateful for it. It is in that pain and sadness that I can find the beauty of the experience I had. She is one of my most precious memories. Thank you L for sharing a small part of your life with me.

tokyo-1904

When we first met, we went out a few times. I was shy. I remember telling her I couldn’t believe I was so lucky to date her. She told me to come closer. She surprised me with a kiss.

We broke up because I was overworked and stressed and I wasn’t very mature at the time. It’s not just finding the right person, but also the right time.

I don’t know; but I hope she is very happy. I think she met someone else. I hope he takes good care of her.

tokyo-0675

I hope too that I will experience love again.

london-3859