Screen – A Haiku Poem (Writing 201 day 1)

I’ve just started the wordpress blogging university ‘writing201’ course. The first poem is based on the word prompt ‘screen’, the form ‘haiku’ and the device ‘alliteration’.

Here is my 1st every poetry attempt:

just a small, slight screen
the data it can display
I can’t comprehend

bright electric light
but is it real or fake?
an imitation

staring at your screen
from early until late-night
who is the user?


Some background notes:
I joined the course by accident last night, so this is all very exciting. The exercise included a suggested form. This time the ‘haiku‘ form; three lines containing 5, 7 and 5 syllables. I tried to write three haiku, just for practice. I can see the challenge in writing a poem in just one haiku; saying something meaningful and concise.

The device the exercise suggested was alliteration; using the same consonent multiple times in proximity, the aural imprint this leaves is called consonance.

In terms of my effort, I think I managed to get the 5,7,5 syllables, unless my counting is off. I don’t think I quite got the meaning I intended as clearly as possible. And while I did try to include some alliteration ‘small, slight, screen / data, display / can’t comprehend’, it’s not that strong.

My intention for the poem was in the first haiku to contrast the small size of the screen with the depth of information available. The second was to introduce the idea that screens and online life are distracting us from real life. The third being my progression of this to question do we use computers / screens or do they use us?

The picture is from a photoshoot I did for a local coffee shop earlier this year.

I really appreciate any comments on the structure, possible alternate vocabulary, and ways to make my meaning clearer or more interesting.